Social Butterfly no longer, it's just safer in the cocoon…

Why life has become so hard for me doesn’t have everything to do with the fact that my children are growing, financially we’re not where I thought we would  be, and even not where I thought I would be in my professional life. The hardest part for me has been the past five years where I have gone from  being a very social person and always out with friends and entertaining people in our home, to now I have become a hermit. Anxiety from having to go out with others and attend parties and cookouts, etc. are anything but easy! It doesn’t really have anything to do with anxiety over being social, period. I love my friends! It is the effects of my life now having food interolerence. It is one thing to be gluten-free where people do understand that a little bit more these days, but to have to be fructose free as well makes things very hard. Not many people understand what that is, and the past 3 years of learning all the many foods that contain fructose has been very eyeopening.

The support from my friends truly has been wonderful. I love how my friends try to find different foods and dishes that I can eat. For Bunko and Left Right Center nights they would bring Gluten Free crackers and chips and be excited. They love to offer suggestions, however, it is just not that easy. Having to deal with no garlic, no onions, spices and ingredients in those hidden sauces and prepackaged foods, even as simple as what mustard I can use and which ones I cannot is just frustrating.

This is the part that hurts the most.  The generosity is overwhelming, but I am a people pleaser and the last thing I want to do is to have to tell people, “sorry I can’t eat that”. I get so tired of having to say “no”. It’s just discouraging to them and well, just really starts to piss me off honestly cause it’s then a constant reminder of what I can’t eat.

“Eat some vegetables” they say as they push the platter towards me. 

No I can not have a carrot, yes, the simplest snack of all is on my no-no list. 

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Why is this a burden, I’d like to be skinny like you? Wow, I am so jealous, I wish I could look like you. UGH!

It’s all those times of fun celebrations, gatherings and events that people don’t think about. We were invited to an awesome VIP catered event at the Richmond Nascar race last fall yet I had to pack all of my own food for the day and HOPE they had a wine that didn’t make my throat feel like it was closing up. I mean, it’s bad enough I am drinking wine at a Nascar race, right? Just give me a cold one! 

People always wonder why you are the one not eating? I am so tired of explaining myself and have to go through the whole thing. I hate that it has become my identity when I meet new people. I just want to be Robie Lynn, I am in Sales and Marketing for a  for a new home builder, I am a wife of 24 years to Wally, a mother of 3 with a recently married son and I have a fun blog about being Perfectly Imperfect!  Ugh, I don’t want to be THAT one, that…oh, you can’t eat that.  I want to be known for me. (sigh)

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So through these years as I have now been judged as the person that is the”no-show” and has even stopped receiving the invites. Financially, I can’t play with the Joneses and the big girls all the time, but I did like to pick and choose. But now, I am the one that stopped going out for many personal reasons. There are those that will continue to judge and that will never understand what it is like, unfortunately. These days it’s just easier to stay home within the safety of my own refrigerator and pantry.

Definition of Free

  • Able to act or be done as one wishes; not under the control of another.

WRONG! This would be why I say that being gluten and fructose free is anything but “FREE” for me. It has confined me mentally and physically. I never feel “good, when I feel things seem to be getting better, one little bite of something wrong can trigger the bloat and pain, then its right back to days of just trying to be normal again. I want to be free of the nonstop, constant thoughts of food. I want to be able to walk through a grocery store and try new foods. Shoot forget new foods I just want to eat what I used to eat. It’s like throwing an alcoholic in an ABC store asking to pick up something for you and then watching them drink it. 

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So, here we are once again on a holiday weekend where we have been invited to a party. Three hours before and I am already anxious trying to figure out what food to take and what they are serving. I hate looking like the outcast, I hate offending the host because they are unaware, which then leads to one more conversation having to explain it all over again. Thankfully, I have a husband who has learned to cook for me as now, food is a very negative thing for me. Don’t get me wrong, when it’s good it’s good and I love to eat! But, after five years of losing weight going from a size 8 down to a size 0 and being able to level out between a two and a four find my new size. However, within the past five months I have quickly packed on over 10 pounds and I can only contribute to this to being on new medicine that made me feel better, therefore maybe I ate a bit more than I was in the past, I guess. This is where it is evident that I LOVE to eat! But, yes one of the side effects of this medicine is weight gain. So here I am feeling miserable and now none of my clothes are fitting and we all know how that feels at any point in our life, right? The best part is is I am now told that I look healthy again unlike all the comments before of being accused of anorexia or doing drugs and looking sick. Not sure which side of life I prefer but honestly, I really just want to be free. So, as you all go about your holiday weekend, cookouts and fun foods, please eat a burger for me! Oh, and please be sure to top that off with ice cream in a cone or maybe some watermelon! All I can continue to say is this too shall pass, this is not new for me and I will survive.

For any of you that might be struggling with some food intolerences and know where I am coming from, please feel free to comment and share your experiences.  I’d love to talk about just how imperfect we are, together! 🙂
Happy 4th ya’ll!

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